Epiphany, almost.

To continue with recent topics, I will again speak of the girl two floors above me. During a recent conversation, she told me to tell her what I think. This meaning what I think of her. I had avoided it for sheer nervousness, but now there was no way I could avoid it. I could not be shy any longer. I told her that I think she is amazing, intelligent, witty, humorous, and all that. I told her that basically, I am extremely attracted to her. Apparantly, for her to figure a lot of things out (or at least put her on the right track) she needed to hear that I am attracted to her. I was assuming this didn't need to be said, being as my body language pretty blatantly displayed my feelings toward her. Or so I thought. Either way, it's now out in the open. To make it fair, she told me what she thinks. She thinks exactly what I had suspected; not ready to get into a relationship after just ending a 2 year relationship, though every day she's not seen me she misses me, and whenever she's not with me she wonders what I'm doing. Even conversations with her ex (yes, they are still good friends) have been growing a little more dull. Here come more mixed feelings. I'm glad on a personal level, because that means a better chance for me, but I'm also sad for her because that means she's losing one of her best friends. Now, she's gone back home for the weekend again and I miss her. I enjoy spending time with her almost too much. Almost.

Anyways, time to get off the drama of my life for a bit and talk about some other things. Last night I hung out with a bunch of friends, and some of their friends, and we were looking for a party. The first party we were going to go to was in the next town over, and as soon as we got on the freeway to get over there we decided we were going to go to one in town. So we drove back over there, and found 3 cop cars in front of the house. Needless to say, we kept driving. The next party we found was still in town, but it wasn't very cool. There were a lot of angry drunks. We hung out for a little bit, drank a few beers, but left very quickly. We ended up going back to a friends dorm and drinking, but the whole evening was a little uncofortable. I can't quite explain why, but it just didin't feel quite right. Ah well. We did, however, manage to sell some of our alcohol so some drunk bastard at the angry drunk party, so I'm up 10 bucks. Yay!

Now for the intelligent part of the post. What is the point of drinking when you get angry? Why would you want to drink if you know you're going to be angry? Every time you drink and freak out on someone, you're going to hear about it in some way or another in the morning, so why bother? Either cut down on the drinking, or do some reassesment on your life. If you think you have something to prove, don't get drunk. If you aren't feeling happy, don't drink. If you drink to get drunk, you have some massive flaws in logic. Don't drown away your cares, it doesn't work. Drink to enhance an experience, not to forget one. All alcohol does is intensify emotions. Don't be a dumbass. Or an alcoholic. Adieu. Josh.

*bangs head against brick wall*

I am starting to grow weary of my decision making skills. I can't allow myself to do things the easy way, and every route I choose seems to be the most difficult one I can pick. I can't allow myself to settle, and I will always shoot for what I feel is the best. This all goes back to the recurring theme of the girl two floors above me. If you haven't picked up on this yet, I am quite attracted to her. The more I talk to her, the greater the attraction becomes. The thing is, she has issues of her own to work out. She's not quite sure of what she wants yet, or so it seems. The relationship that we have is a puzzle to me. It's a giant, 4,000 piece puzzle that is completely white. When finished, it will be very pristine, but after you get the edges together it becomes unbelievably difficult to get the rest of the puzzle together. All I have now are the edges, and a few random pieces here and there. What worries me most is that I will get to the point where the puzzle is almost complete, but there will be about 12 pieces missing. I am worried that I won't be able to put the puzzle together, and that I will never see what the finished product looks like. Regardless of these feelings, I will continue working on it. I am completely fascinated now, and I doubt I will be able to stop working on this puzzle until it's finished.

Aside from the issues of this being a puzzle, there are other issues. Namely the fact that I can't ask her on an actual date. I don't have much money, and I really want to give her the best I can. Fortunately, I get money on the 24th (thank you financial aid) and I can ask her out. I won't say where, because I'm sure she'll read this before then and I want it to be a surprise. Hopefully I will be able to get the money out of check form and into cash form or into my checking account. Things tend to work out stupidly like that for me, and I get screwed over. I wish things were less confusing. I wish things worked out better. I wish things were easier. But most of all, I wish for her to be happy. Even if I never "get the girl," I wish for her to be happy. Adieu. Josh

Lost

I have been feeling very lost as of late. Not physically lost, but mentally. I'm not sure where I'm going, or where anything is. I thought I had it all figured out, but there have been quite a few weird things going on to fuck with my head. The biggest cause, in my opinion, is my semi-relationship with the girl two floors above me. If you haven't guessed by now, I'm somewhat infatuated with here. The only problem is, she sends such mixed signals back to me that I don't know how to respond. For example, this weekend we went to her cousin's house and drank a bit, and on the way to Perkin's she grabbed my hand and held it, which made me think "Ok, alcohol loosens inhibitions, so this means that deep down she likes me." She then proceded to ask "Is this what you wanted?" Now, yes, that is what I want, but not under those circumstances. When we got home, I just chilled out in her room until about 6:30 in the morning and we had a really good conversation. Well, good except for the fact that it furthered my confusion. I don't know how to help her ask the questions she has, and something needs to happen. Otherwise it's going to be a very strange relationship for a very long time, and I don't want that. I don't mind if we end up just friends (though I would definitely prefer dating her), but the akwardness needs to go. It seems as though I have the answers to everyone else's problems, but never to my own. It doesn't make sense. It's probably because I can't look at myself from an outside perspective, and due to my hyper-analytical nature and my knowledge of myself I see things that aren't there, while missing things that are. Ah well. It'll all work out in the end.

On a lighter note, my friend Tony said he and Travis (another friend) were going to come up and visit me soon. That makes me unbelievably happy, because those two are quite possibly my favorite people to hang out with. Plus, they're going to bring me a pound of coffee from the Klatsch (my favorite coffee shop) which makes everything better. For now that's all I have. Adieu. Josh.