War, alone

Locked is the open door below the iridescent crimson exit sign of my mind. Always striving, exhausting every last acid-green drop of adrenaline, never to reach the finish line. Trapped, like a mouse among tens of thousands of millions of ravenous, blood-thirsty felines foaming at the mouth, terrorized by the internal Al-Queda, wrapping their blood-stained cotton turbans around my soul. “We will not let you go” they sing, the pseudo Freddy Mercury chant paralyzing me. Sucking away at the ethereal substance that exists in me, all the way down to the quasi-sub-atomic level, the images of suffering and pain and fear and hatred running constantly in slide show fashion. “We will not let you go” they sing again as they tighten the gleaming sterling silver chains that bind me to myself as I am struggling against a force I cannot see, only hear. I try to block it out, using every strenuous effort I can muster from my IRS-audited mind, but their will to keep me blocked in is stronger. They know where the shiny red button is, despite my most drastic and vital attempts to mask it. They know me so well. Every thought and wish and hope and dream. They will not let me out the open door below the iridescent crimson exit sign. “We will not let you go.”

Purpose?

So in the 2 weeks I've been at college, looking back I see that I haven't really accomplished much. I've met new people, gone to class, made a little money, drank, smoked a lot of cigarettes, and played hacky sack. It kind of makes me wonder why people bother with some of this crap. Most of it is petty drama, and as we all know drama is pointless. Why can't we just skip to the learning? Why do we have to reorient ourselves with a classroom atmosphere? If you can't adapt, you have no reason being there. If you need a "refresher," you have wasted your summer. I'm not saying you should spend your summer in school, I'm saying that you should be actively learning every day. Don't think of being in class as anything different than what you normally do. Class is just time set aside for you to learn. Once you get into college, you get to choose what you learn. If you don't want to learn it, then don't take the class. Why can't people understand this simple concept? Granted I think everything is worth learning, but you go to college to get an occupation, right? If you spend all this time in a class you don't enjoy because of it's content (don't count the teacher, they can't all cater to your specific learning style), then you're not going to have an occupation. You'll have a job, most likely, but not an occupation. A job is something you do because you need the money, but an occupation is something you do because you enjoy. So many people hate the learning aspect of college because they don't enjoy the classes, and they see it as another loop to jump through to get some stereotypical office job so they can make their parents or someone else happy. Far too many people do things they think they should do rather than what they want to do. Do things because you want to do them, and enjoy your life. If you do things because others want you to (parents, friends, etc.) or because you've been brought up to think that "everyone does this, so I should to," you are going to have a bland, sedated life. Do what you want to do (within reason), and live for yourself. You want to know what the meaning of life is? I'll tell you. There isn't one, except for the one you make. There is no grand plan for all of us, there is no global standard of morals or ethics, and death will always be an unknown. The only reason to live is the reason you decide you want to live for, whether it be spiritual, logical, metaphysical, whatever. Just live life the way you want to live it, and not the way someone or something tells you to (I'm talking about societal and religious guidelines here, if you hadn't guessed). Be your own person, and you will be happy. Live for what you want to, and you will be happy. Learn and retain as much as you can, and you will be happy. Have one hell of a story when you are done, and you will be happy. Adieu. Josh

High Fidelity

So, I've gotten into the act of making mix CD's lately. I can't explain why or how, but I have. After about 2 weeks of doing this, I have a CD that I am really happy with. It is entitled "Kitten," in leiu of many things. Anyways, here's how it looks:
1. St. Andrew's Fall - Blind Melon
2. 3 Libras - A Perfect Circle
3. Wonderwall - Oasis
4. The Leaving Song - AFI
5. Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright
6. Plush (acoustic) - Stone Temple Pilots
7. Change - Blind Melon
8. Letters to God - Box Car Racer
9. 45 - Shinedown
10. Roulette - System of a Down
11. Arco Arena - Cake
12. Lonelily - Damien Rice
13. There Is - Box Car Racer
14. Hollyman - Blind Melon
15. Morning Star - AFI
16. Let Her Cry - Hootie & The Blowfish
17. What Went Wrong - Blink-182
18. Left and Leaving - The Weakerthans
19. Hurt - Johnny Cash
20. Friend is a Four Letter Word - Cake
21. Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd

I recommend you get these songs and make this CD, in this order. It is one of the most relaxing, thought provoking CD's I have ever heard/made, and that's not just me hyping myself up. Adieu. Josh.

Schemes

Last night was quite an amazing night. A friend of mine and I found out that the outdoor baseball stadium, which is right across the street from my dorm, doesn't lock things up very well. We went through and stole about 47 plastic bottles of Mikes Hard Cranberry/Lemonade. We drank 3 each, sold 15, and now have about 13 each in our rooms. I will procede to sell most of the ones in my room, simply because I am a little strapped for cash. This just goes to show you that boredom can lead to the acquisition of money. But then again, people that are bored are just boring poeple. It's always best to be able to create your own excitement.

Today, most of the campus returned from the long weekend. My roommate came back with an entire surround sound speaker system, which will of course be used to, um, meet people. *winks* Hopefully the girl two floors above me (whom I've been flirting with) will return soon, because even though she's only been gone for about 3 days I've missed her quite a bit. She's one of about 7 people I can count on for a good conversation. She's very intelligent, very funny, sarcastic, and all around fun. I enjoy her company more than I enjoy taffy, and I'm a man who loves his taffy. On that note, I'll go see if she's around. Adieu. Josh.

College

So, I've completely forgotten that I had started this wonderful blog. Probably had something to do with my laziness. Anyways, I have finally moved away from my hometown and gone to college. Go me! I am now a student at North Dakota State University in Fargo, North Dakota. Quite honestly, I think this is the happiest I've been in quite some time. I don't live with my parents, I get regular meals, my mind is challenged, and no one knows me. I find it quite humorous that most of the people I have met so far thought I was at least a sophmore upon initial inspection. I guess my level of confidence and my ability to be completely comfortable wherever I am have something to do with that misconception. For example, a girl living 2 floors above me was scared of me because she thought I was a Junior and I was hitting on her. I told her I was only a freshman, and suddenly my flirting with her was perfectly acceptable. Not only that, she reciprocated the flirting. Again, go me!

I suppose I should fill you in on some of the happenings since the last time I posted. The girl I was attracted to way back when got a boyfriend, mostly because I gave up on her. My friend Melissa's father passed away, and that funeral was the most powerful funeral I have ever been to. I recommend everyone attend a Jewish funeral at least once in their lives. If you have any shred of emotion in you, I guarantee you will be in tears. I never did get an actual job, but I got over my depression. The closest thing I had to a job was busking, which is playing music in a public place while soliciting money. That was another amazing experience I recommend everyone try, regardless of musical talent. I also severly cut back on smoking, partially because I haven't had the money and partially because I needed a change of pace. Sitting around and smoking all day was getting a little monotonous. But enough dwelling in the past. It's no good to do that, because you never really learn anything that way. Time to get to more current events.

NDSU is doing wonders for me. The change presented by this move is exactly what I needed. The only down side is that I couldn't afford to bring my car here, so I am confined to walking and hitching rides wherever I need to be. Because of this, my ability to familiarize myself with the area is drastically limited. I am very happy to have met as many people as I have while here, especially when I talk to people that are Sophmores and hardly know anyone. I think the lack of confidence in these individuals is sad. They get so paranoid about what other people think of them, and that allows the opinions of others to govern their self-esteem. Granted, I don't have the greatest self-esteem, but mine is governed by my own hyper-analytical personality. The fact that there are so many people I don't know here makes it really easy to meet people. If I try to make friends with someone and they blow me off, I'm really at no loss. There are 12,000 other people here I can meet. At the moment, however, I am slightly bored. Almost everyone on campus went home for the Labor Day weekend, and it's rainy. So not only do I have no established friends to talk to, I have almost no opportunity to meet new people because of this horrible weather. Oh well. At least there is only one more day of boredom. Then things will spruce up again. But now I bid you adieu, because I am going to read a book at the wonderful air-conditioned Union. Josh.