Catch-22
He went like one that hath been stunned,
And is of sense forlorn:
A sadder and a wiser man,
He rose the morrow morn.
Last Stanza of "The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner"
Profound words, no? With wisdom brings sorrow. This has been the summation of my day. Every scrap of weirdness that I have experienced since coming to school finally hit me like a .45 to the skull. I'm sure you've heard the saying "shit'll buff out," or at least something similar. You know what? I'm sick of waiting for shit to buff out. I want things to be buffed out right from the get-go. I want things to start well, and stay well. I'm losing the last of what little patience I have waiting for things to work out. I am especially tired of waiting, because most of what I've waited for still hasn't buffed out. Things still suck. Granted, they could be much worse, but that's not the point. I want just one thing in my life to work. I mean, look at it this way: I don't have any money, so I can't pay car insurance, so I don't have a car, so I can't go anywhere to get a job, so I can't make money, so I can't pay car insurance. Kind of a bitch cycle, no? On top of that, I have my issues with the girl two floors above me. The more I see her, the more I care for her. I know I can't have her, but she tells me she enjoys my company. I want to keep the friendship, but I don't want my attraction to her to grow. A small part of me wishes to never see her again, and let her go about her merry way. I can't listen to that part of me, though, because I already care too much for her. I want to see that she is happy, and be around her when she's happy. She's told me of her attraction to other men, and being as it has been established that we are nothing more than friends I tolerate this. If she did start dating another guy, however, I would feel like the biggest failure ever. I made every attempt to win over this amazing girl, but I wasn't good enough. I hate not feeling good enough. I hate feeling that my life is a waste. I have done nothing worth noting, except for being a belligerent ass. The rest of my life is merely average. I can't do anything well it seems. I can do almost everything with some skill, but nothing well. I am the Jack of all trades, master of none. And I hate it. I have nothing to fall back on. I have no forte. Try as I might, there is nothing I can excell at. I am mediocre. I am a mediocre human being, and I have nothing of substance to offer anyone or anything. I am a poor man as well as a poor excuse for a man. Just once, I want things to work. Just once, I want to be someone else. For one day I would like to be devoid of thought. Just to be ignorant for one day, to be happy. All I want is to be happy. I am sick and tired of being the sadder and wiser man.
And is of sense forlorn:
A sadder and a wiser man,
He rose the morrow morn.
Last Stanza of "The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner"
Profound words, no? With wisdom brings sorrow. This has been the summation of my day. Every scrap of weirdness that I have experienced since coming to school finally hit me like a .45 to the skull. I'm sure you've heard the saying "shit'll buff out," or at least something similar. You know what? I'm sick of waiting for shit to buff out. I want things to be buffed out right from the get-go. I want things to start well, and stay well. I'm losing the last of what little patience I have waiting for things to work out. I am especially tired of waiting, because most of what I've waited for still hasn't buffed out. Things still suck. Granted, they could be much worse, but that's not the point. I want just one thing in my life to work. I mean, look at it this way: I don't have any money, so I can't pay car insurance, so I don't have a car, so I can't go anywhere to get a job, so I can't make money, so I can't pay car insurance. Kind of a bitch cycle, no? On top of that, I have my issues with the girl two floors above me. The more I see her, the more I care for her. I know I can't have her, but she tells me she enjoys my company. I want to keep the friendship, but I don't want my attraction to her to grow. A small part of me wishes to never see her again, and let her go about her merry way. I can't listen to that part of me, though, because I already care too much for her. I want to see that she is happy, and be around her when she's happy. She's told me of her attraction to other men, and being as it has been established that we are nothing more than friends I tolerate this. If she did start dating another guy, however, I would feel like the biggest failure ever. I made every attempt to win over this amazing girl, but I wasn't good enough. I hate not feeling good enough. I hate feeling that my life is a waste. I have done nothing worth noting, except for being a belligerent ass. The rest of my life is merely average. I can't do anything well it seems. I can do almost everything with some skill, but nothing well. I am the Jack of all trades, master of none. And I hate it. I have nothing to fall back on. I have no forte. Try as I might, there is nothing I can excell at. I am mediocre. I am a mediocre human being, and I have nothing of substance to offer anyone or anything. I am a poor man as well as a poor excuse for a man. Just once, I want things to work. Just once, I want to be someone else. For one day I would like to be devoid of thought. Just to be ignorant for one day, to be happy. All I want is to be happy. I am sick and tired of being the sadder and wiser man.
posted by Josh at 00:45
1 comments
