Something Irrelevant
I am starting this blog with no specific goal. I just need to do something so as to keep my overtly exhausted mind occupied for a period of time. I fear if I don't bad things may happen, whether they be towards myself or others is undecided. I have entered depression, though most will never know. The wonderful few that view my blog, you are among my chosen. You have been chosen to know of my depression, while most everyone else I associate with will believe that everything is okay with me. Fact of the matter being it's not okay. I am full of hate, anger, sadness, and every other emotion commonly annotated with depression. I don't like being this way, and I don't want people to see me this way. I can't stand to burden others with my problems. This blog is my only real vent. I can deal with everyone else's problems, and I actually ask them to tell me their problems. I like to see people happy. So why can't I be happy? Why can't I explain my problems to others? Why do people ignore me? Why do people avoid starting conversations with me? Why are all the people I am attracted to seeminly appalled by me? What makes me so shy around people? I came to college with a clean slate and the ability to be however I wanted to be. I wanted to be a good guy, I wanted to be friendly, I wanted to be care-free, I wanted to be noticed, but most of all I wanted to be loved. I have been a good guy, but the rest of my goals kind of fell through. I care too much about things I shouldn't, and not enough about things I should. I tried to be friendly, I guess that kind of worked, but the results I desired were not the results I received. Some people have noticed and accepted me, but lately it seems as though they are annoyed by me. This is probably just paranoia due to my depression, but who knows. I want to be loved though. I am sick of being shot down for no reason other than being myself. Every time I make an attempt, it falls through. I am very old-fashioned and chivalrous with women, but that just seems to make them want to walk all over me. I am not respected. I am afraid to even try anymore. With anything. I am afraid to try. Emotionally and mentally I can not withstand another letdown. I don't know what to do. I want to say "Fuck it" and just do whatever without a care as to what happens. I mean, with 12,000 or so people on campus, there has to be one willing to at least give me a chance. I just want someone that I can go to whenever I want and they will just hold me. I want someone I can talk to for hours. I want someone that can sit with me for hours and not say anything, but still feel like everything has been said. I want attention, I guess. I have been without it for far too long. And I don't mean sex either. Just someone that will be with me. I know for sure that if these feelings continue for too much longer I will become a danger to a life, whether it be my own or someone elses. I am afraid I might snap. I don't want to snap. Please, if there is some force governing all that exists, don't let me snap. Adieu. Josh
posted by Josh at 23:16
3 Comments:
I had a dream last night. There was no moon or stars, only black, and I was standing in the midst of a trailer park. Each trailer was exactly the same, and they were lined up in perfect rows that extended as far as the eye could see.
†The balance seemed so beautiful. I saw things as they could have, or rather should have been. I remember thinking I could have a fresh start too, Josh.†
There was no light except for that of a single bulb above each open door. Around each of them a swarm of flies busied themselves with dying. I was unaware of the reason for my presence, but at the same time I knew that I had a purpose. I began to walk.
†It was depressing to watch them die. None of them could get in because they were scorched and blinded by the light†
I passed row after row, and walked until what should have been dawn, but the darkness had not abated. Just as I had begun to feel weary of walking, I realized that I had stopped. I was standing in front of single trailer. Above the door was printed the word "betrayal", and I knew that it was my home.
†It wasn't living there that bothered me. It was knowing that I lived there alone.†
The rest of the trailers had faded into nothing, and were replaced by piles upon piles of dead flies. For a moment I was confused and afraid, for I could see each individual fly as if they were under the lens of a microscope. Each one seemed to have it's very own grotesque deformity, some having too many legs or heads, and some having too few. In that one instant I saw all of them, and it repulsed me so I closed my eyes and turned away.
†Sometimes I hate everything that I stand for. I hate who I am and what I represent, but most of all I hate the flies that are a part of me.†
When I opened my eyes again, I couldn't remember my name. Suddenly my sense of balance left me, and I began to fall with not a single thought of catching myself.
†I won't lie to you Josh there's nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I will tell you that you aren't alone in feeling the way you do. There are people who care, even ones you don't know. Remember that every light has to burn out someday. Until then, there'll be someone there to catch you, until you find your balance again.†
-Salem
*slinks in, not wanting to upset the balance of the blog, but presses a hand to Josh's shoulder and palms him her un-consumed full bottle of Paxil.*
"In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."
-- Albert Camus
It takes both rain and sunshine to make a rainbow.
The basis of my survival:
There comes a time when I have to quit thinking and just exist for awhile. When my mind is ready, it uplifts me with inspiration.
-The Girl From Two Floors Up
PS. I have sought your company on more than one occasion but I can never find you.
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